How IFS can help with Self-Understanding and Self-Compassion
Have you ever wondered why you’re so hard on yourself? Or why certain things set you off? Maybe you wish you knew why you craved a certain substance or why you can’t stop people-pleasing. Most of us are curious about ourselves, and beyond that we can be frustrated with a lack of understanding. We can become angry and self-critical, sometimes saying things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else.
It can be so hard to change this tendency to beat ourselves up. Especially when we don’t understand why we do what we do or why we feel what we feel, and the pattern repeats. It can become a vicious cycle: we engage in a behaviour or react a certain way, then we become confused and frustrated that it has happened again, and then we turn on ourselves. Unfortunately, when we turn on ourselves it makes us feel even worse and perpetuates the cycle.
So how do we disrupt the pattern? We might get the message that we need to accept this behaviour and be compassionate toward ourselves. If we can, that's great. Sometimes, however, without understanding why, it can be very difficult to accept and even harder to be kind and loving to ourselves. When we reflect, it can be hard to have insight. When we are in therapy, it can be hard to internalize the understanding reflected back to us by our therapist. So what can we do?
We can go inside, with guidance, to explore our unconscious mind in a unique way that was discovered by Dr. Richard Schwartz - the creator of Internal Family Systems. In a remarkable way, the process of focusing inward on one aspect of ourselves and being guided to explore our inner world can lead to novel discoveries about how our behaviour patterns, beliefs, ways of thinking and feeling we’re shaped. Our mind can reveal deep truths about how experiences in our lives influenced us and nudged us toward certain ways of being. This can be incredibly helpful because when we understand ourselves, it’s easier to accept ourselves, and beyond that, to be compassionate toward ourselves.
Self-understanding can be a step toward self-acceptance. Self-acceptance makes space for self-compassion. Once we understand ourselves, accept ourselves, and love ourselves an amazing thing happens: we can change. In a deep sense, there’s a shift internally. It leads to awareness of how, when, and why we’ll be activated. This awareness gives us the opportunity to make different choices including responding differently. This frees us up to live more in alignment with our values and show up in the ways we deeply desire.
-Robbie
