What is "Attunement" and how can practicing it improve relationships?

Attunement is the ability to sense, understand, and attend to the emotional inner-world of another. It is “reading” a person's body language, word choice, tone, behaviours and recognizing the state that they are in. This might be a sad state, a frustrated state, a tired state or many others. As human beings, we have an innate capacity to have insight into the mood or state of another person. We can access this innate capacity best when we are calm, curious, and compassionate. 

This is a key to healthy relationships. We can use this ability to navigate any situation with a partner. A common misconception is that relationships struggle because of poor communication. Though communication skills can be a part of relationship challenges, there is an emotional state beneath the surface that has a significant impact on how smoothly communication goes. Moreover, when we are attuned, we naturally communicate in more effective ways because our words, tone, and volume take the other person's state into account. 

A simple example is when one partner arrives home stressed and tired. The other is excited they are home and eager to dive into a chat about the day. The partner at home is happy and upbeat as they ask questions. Unfortunately, the responses from the partner who arrived home come off as irritated and short. This leads to conflict and both partners feeling frustrated with the interaction. 

In this example, sure the words matter but more importantly is the missed opportunity for attunement. If the partner at home anticipated or checked in with how the partner arriving home was feeling, they could slow down or offer some time and space before they discuss their day. With attunement, that interaction could look a lot different and lead to a greater sense of connection. 

Attunement naturally informs communication; communication naturally flows when we are attuned. Rather than focusing primarily on communication skills (though they are important), start with attunement. If you can read the body language, consider the context, notice patterns, and lead with that understanding when you interact with your partner, it will go much better. Attunement will help you and your partner feel more connected and it will help you meet each other’s needs.

-Robbie